Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Did you ever hold a hummingbird?


This is Janice holding a hummingbird in our back yard. We're pretty sure this little guy is one of the babies that hatched in the nest on our front porch, but we can't be absolutely certain.

At first glance, one might think this is a domesticated bird. Actually this little guy clocked himself when he flew into our storm door glass. Janice picked him up to protect him and he sat there dazed for about ten minutes before taking off. He was just fine after that, but he didn't fly into the glass door again.

Isn't he absolutely beautiful?
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Friday, June 25, 2010

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Pork Roll Heaven



This is what's missing from San Diego supermarket shelves. Although I find San Diego to be the greatest place on earth, there is still some room for improvement. This delicious treat should not be isolated to New Jersey and Pennsylvania.
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Our economic woes are going to get worse.

You might just want to hold off on any big ticket purchases.

The economy is in far worse shape than was previously thought. Today the Federal Reserve’s Open Market Committee (FOMC) revealed some sobering facts. Our weak economic recovery is stalling due to global economic problems, businesses are more reluctant than ever to hire, and banks are not lending money.

They also indicated that the Fed interest rates were likely to remain at historic lows for an extended period of time, and that inflation concerns are almost nonexistent. While this may cheer up some investors watching daily stock prices, it is news that portends a grim future for many of us.

Here are my predictions for some key economic elements.
1. We will enter a double dip recession.
2. Housing prices will take another dip.
3. Savings accounts will earn the lowest interest rates in history.
4. Inflation will be contained, but the real cost of living will increase.
5. The stock market will not recover any time soon.

Of all the things on the list, I’m primarily concerned about number 4. We’ve all seen real costs go up in the supermarket; not so much in the prices we pay, but in the diminishing package sizes of the products we buy. The government has a clever way of hiding that from the official Cost of Living Index by calling each reduction a “wash” because the products have allegedly improved, or the daily portion has been reduced. (They have to do this so they can avoid giving cost of living raises to Social Security and pension recipients.) But the worst cost of living increase will have nothing to do with what we buy. It will be from local, state and federal taxes going up significantly to cover the shortfalls resulting from the collapsing economy.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any real solutions to offer. If saving Capitalism were the goal, I know that the Democrats are doing the wrong thing by perpetuating their out-of-control spending. My real fear lies in the fact that their true goal is to transform us into a Socialist nation.
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Sex change

I got a sex change today.

I discovered that my California license had my sex identified as female, so I went to DMV today to have it corrected. The clerk asked me if I had my birth certificate with me.

The disturbing part is that I had the foresight to bring it.
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Sunday, June 20, 2010

The Road to Scranton

In the early 1970's, Harry Chapin wrote the song "30,000 Pounds of Bananas" about the killer road descending into Scranton, Pennsylvania. I wrote a verse about it as well. It's simply called "The Road to Scranton".

The Road to Scranton

The road that leads to Scranton
Is the scariest I’ve seen
And if you’ve ever driven it
You know just what I mean

Whenever I’m approaching it
I’m stricken with the shakes
I always say a prayer or two
And double check my brakes

The steepness is so awesome
You’ll think your car might fly
And if your brakes ain’t working
Then kiss your ass goodbye

And I’ve got some advice for you
That’s very good to know
When driving down that awful road
Make sure you shift to Low

And if you go in summer’s heat
And make it down alive
Check coolant when returning
It’s a brutal uphill drive


Steven Pein
19 June 2010
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Thursday, June 10, 2010

Food Precautions

You can't be too careful. For those of you planning some outings this summer, I've compiled some advice about the foods you should avoid. I hope it's helpful.

Food Precautions

Never eat the burgers at the zoo
They may prove to be the end of you
A hot dog or some fries
Would really be quite wise
But greasy burgers certainly won’t do

Never eat the sausage at the fair
You’ll be seeking bathrooms everywhere
Cotton candy’s fine
Eat it any time
But sausage causes way too much despair

Never eat the fish at Taco Bell
It may leave you feeling not so well
You can pack away
Beef and beans all day
But fish will make your stomach feel like Hell

Never eat the nuggets at the game
You’ll get sick and never be the same
Peanuts are okay
At least that’s what they say
But nuggets have been known to cause ptomaine



Steven Pein
10 June 2010
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This is the life.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Leaving

This is a story about an unhappy woman. She decided that she wanted a better life, and she took action. But sometimes things just aren't so simple.

Leaving

The train pulled out of Philly
It was just a couple minutes after nine
She glanced down at her watch
The train had left the station right on time
She softly breathed a sigh,
She didn’t know just why,
But the feeling deep inside her was sublime

Her fingers touched her Rail Pass
Suspended on a chain around her neck
With no real destination
It was hard to get the nerve to start this trek
Heading anywhere,
She didn’t really care,
What mattered is she got the nerve and left

The life she had been leading
Was nothing like she dreamed of back in school
Hidden in his shadow
She didn’t want to lead that life at all
Fleeing for a life,
No more to be a wife,
The whole world waiting at her beck and call

Just outside of Wilmington
Reality was starting to set in
Sitting in confusion
Imagining just how she would begin
No matter what the town,
He would track her down,
This game of hide and seek she couldn’t win

Sitting on a park bench
She reached into her handbag for her phone
Dialing his number
Wiping tears and feeling so alone
Making up a lie,
Telling him just why,
She’d be hours late arriving home


Steven Pein
9 June 2010

Monday, June 7, 2010

Goodbye and good riddance!








Goodbye and good riddance to you, Helen Thomas. You are a disgrace to your profession and you will be remembered as a crochety old bigot who shamed the White House Press Corps.
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Sunday, June 6, 2010

Beauty is only skin deep.


Helen Thomas is one of a kind. They say that beauty is only skin deep, but ugliness goes clean through to the bone. This woman is absolutely scary looking.

But her looks are far more attractive than her mind. Her most recent words of wisdom are that Jews should "get the hell out of Palestine and go back to Germany and Poland".
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Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Ballad of L-3


This is in appreciation of Michael Strianese, President and CEO of L-3 Communications.




The Ballad of L-3

Here’s to Michael Strianese
A hero through and through
For things he has accomplished
That no one else could do

In making acquisitions
Michael’s been so smart
His masterful “due diligence”
He’s honed into an art

Lanza was a legend
Whose shoes were hard to fill
Replacing Frank took quite the man
And Michael filled the bill

For future acquisitions
He searches everywhere
And hopefully the stock will reach
Two hundred bucks a share

The Board is filled with confidence
So go do as you please
They know they can depend upon
Their Michael Strianese


Steven Pein
5 June 2010
Copyright © 2010

Nuclear Preparedness


Growing up, did you ever really think nuclear war would be a possibility? Didn't you really think that mutually assured destruction would be the ultimate deterrent? Well loony countries like Iran, North Korea, and Pakistan would probably set off a nuke in a heartbeat. So how do we protect ourselves?

Here's a little verse to help you out in this time of crisis.


Nuclear Preparedness

The world is getting crazy
It feels like helter-skelter
Now would be a good time
To build a fallout shelter

Let me help you with a list
Of things you’ll need to pack
Enough to last for six months
From the time of first attack

Stock it full of MRE’s
A radio and beer
Lots of bottled water
(And a little Christmas cheer)

Don’t forget the cards and games
For healthy family fun
And last but most importantly
Be sure you pack your gun



Steven Pein
5 June 2010
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Friday, June 4, 2010

The BP Blues

I threw this verse together in an effort to summarize the Gulf tragedy that's unfolding. I wanted to express my outrage with a bit of poetic dark humor.

Louisiana, we feel your pain.


The BP Blues

Holy mackerel, what a mess
The Gulf is turning gray
A million gallons of crude
Is spewing out each day

Everything that BP tries
Quickly turns to shit
All this oils’s killing us
Please, God, make it quit

Pity all the fishermen
Their fishing spots are few
The wildlife is dying
And coastal towns are too

And BP says they’re sorry
On TV spots each night
They tell us not to worry
And assure they’ll make things right

It’s best not to believe BP
Their record isn’t sound
We blindly put our trust in them
And BP let us down

The next time you need gasoline
I think you’ll understand
It’s highly recommended
You buy a different brand



Steven Pein
4 June 2010
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Poison-free indoor pesticide that won't hurt your pets


I didn't intend to endorse a commercial product on my blog, but some friends have complained about ant problems (San Diego is a giant ant hill) and said they hate using pesticides with their pets around. Well, if you have the same concerns, let me recommend a fantastic product. Victor® Poison-Free® Ant & Roach Killer is an aerosol pesticide whose active ingredient is mint oil. I buy this stuff in boxes of 6 cans directly from the manufacturer, Safer®Brand, in Lititz, Pennsylvania. (They are also known as Victor Pest Control, a division of Woodstream.) Its product number is M601 and it's really inexpensive. You can find them online at www.saferbrand.com, or you can reach them at their toll-free number (800) 800-1819.

I hope this is helpful to you if you're a "poison hater" like me.
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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Do you know why Israel is so tough?















If you're wondering why Israel is so tough, it's really quite simple. Perhaps this verse will explain it.

One Tough Nation

Don’t make war on Israel
God won’t let them lose
Second to the Christians
God so loves His Jews

All the land was Britain’s
Right through World War II
Then the United Nations
Gave Israel to the Jews

When they took it over
They turned desert sand
Back into Utopia
Once more God's Promised Land



Steven Pein
2 June 2010
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